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The Columnist
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King Tony
  Episode I
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Episode 111
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  Episode VII
  Episode VIII & 1X
  Episode X
  History of King Tony








It’s time for another extract from the lost Shakespearean play “The History of King Tony” or ”New Labour’s Lost”. Having defeated the Tory Army in battle, King Tony now has the task of pacifying the kingdom, keeping his own side loyal and spotting any conspiracies which might threaten his throne. We have reached the point where King Tony has entrusted the financial management of his kingdom to the capable but hugely ambitious Duke Gordon Brown.


In the Palace, at Westminster.
Duke Gordon Brown is addressing the assembly on his plans for the nation.

Gordon Brown:
In former years this land did rise and fall
In constant cycles of unsteadiness,
From boom to bust, from stop to go and back,
Until our minds were dizzy with the motion,
Like a blind ship upon a drunken ocean.
No more of that! Our course shall now be steady,
With mine the hand upon the country’s tiller.
Under my enduring stewardship
This land shall grow in strength and dignity,
Till everyone shall have a job at last,
And men in Sheffield not be forced to strip
To earn enough to keep their wife and kids!
That reference do I make to show you all
That I can keep in touch with common culture....

Enter the Earl Hague with the remnants of his army, attended by Gummer, Widdecombe, etc.

Hague: (aside)
Hark how this jumped up Scotsman witters on!
Why, every Chancellor since the dawn of time
Has said the same and then been shewn quite wrong.
Gordon Brown:
From welfare to work shall be our battle cry!
I shall not rest till every man and woman
Has been untethered from the jobless queue
And given some noble work to match his state.
Hague:  (aside)
Why, what he says is very true indeed.
How so, my Lord?
How so, stout Widdecombe ?
Why, see you not that this same Gordon Brown
Will never rest or pause till he himself
Has risen to the job he craves to have,
The Premiership of this country, nothing less.
The endless rise of this Duke Gordon Brown
Will never cease till he’s brought Tony down...

Earl Hague and his cohorts slip away, followed by spies. Duke Gordon Brown speaks on, unstoppably.

Gordon Brown:
Turning now to diesel fuel, and wine...
King Tony: (interrupting)
More of this anon. It’s time to dine.
Gordon Brown:
But sire, I have not nearly finished yet.
I have not put up tax on cigarette,
Nor said what I shall do with PEPs and TESSAs,
Nor made my most informed financial guesses.
I have not done my bit for unleaded fuel...
King Tony:
Listening to you, I feel I’m back at school,
Uncomprehending while the master drones.
Your corporation tax and single parent loans
Have left me feeling dizzy, deaf and dumb.
Gordon Brown:
Nay, sire, a simple child from school could come
And understand the hardest thing I say.
King Tony:
Oh, would he now? In that case, let’s away
And test your theory in a real life school.
‘Twixt you and children let there be a duel!

The scene is a school, where Duke Gordon Brown is endeavouring to explain his policies to the gathered pupils.

Gordon Brown:
And so you see, the curve of annual borrowing
Doth intersect with income HERE and HERE...
King Tony:
Come, come, dear Gordon Brown, let not the smell
Of rank statistics fright these innocent minds.
The thing is very simple. We must forge
A golden country for a brand new age!
To you I say, fear not the future but behold
Where youth goes boldly, while fear restrains the old!
Together we shall build, and build we must!
For what is just is fair, and fair is just!
First Journalist: (aside)
This Tony talks a load of tosh, and yet they love it.
They all believe his smile, not what he says.
Second Journalist:
Yon Gordon has a dark and jowelly look.
He knows that all King Tony says is dross
And cannot understand why he is loved,
Nor yet why he himself is frowned upon.
First Journalist:
A man who frowns and scowls like Gordon Brown
Shall not by love, but force, secure a crown.
Second Journalist:
Well said ! That’s very deep, or so I think.
First Jounalist:
I’m sick of this. Let’s go and have a drink...

Some more extracts from Shakespeare’s sensational “The History of King Tony” by and by...

Monday March 23rd 1998

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