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New Year's Resolutions
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Never mind about shopping early for Christmas – now is the time to stock up on New Year resolutions!     
You know it makes sense, because if you leave your New Year resolutions till the last moment, you will have a shoddy and shopworn lot to choose from, but if you opt for one now, you will have the pick of the range!
Here to help you is our mouth-watering selection for you to browse through, to make sure you get one that really suits you. . .


To give up smoking, and to really do it this time.
         To stop saying you’re keen on sport, when all you are really keen on is watching sport.
         Just when your ex never expected to hear from you again, to surprise them by sending them your love and asking them for a loan to tide you over.
         To lose weight by buying a bathing costume one size too small for you, and dieting until you can easily get into it.
         And then find that the rest of your wardrobe has suddenly become one size too large for you.
         So put on a bit of weight.
         And mothball that bathing costume you just bought.
         Learn the difference between “obsequious” and “obsequies”.
         Get a cautious reply from your ex, saying that it’s nice to hear from you, but there is no way you are going to get any money from them.
         All right, not to give up smoking altogether, but at least to postpone your first cigarette of the day until after lunch.
         Ask your partner if there is one particular phrase you habitually use which they find maddening.
         To resolve to cut that phrase out of your regular vocabulary.
         But to keep it in reserve for times when you really want to madden your partner.
         All right, if you are not strong enough to postpone the first cigarette of the day, at least to bring the last one of the day forward in time.
         To making a Big Issue seller’s day by buying all his stock.
         In idle moments, to think to yourself: “I wonder what ever happened to Swampy?”
         To send a cool message to your ex, saying that you have discovered that someone has been using your name to try to blackmail your friends and ex-friends into giving them money, and that the police have the matter in hand.
         To start recycling your nail and toe clippings.
         To spend an hour or two wondering how a committee of creative people could ever have come to the decision that “Waitrose” was a cracking name for a supermarket chain.
         To keep antique words in circulation: try to work the words “twain” and “thrice” into your conversation now and again.
         All right, don’t cut down on smoking, then. Die.
         When people criticise you, to entertain however briefly the theory that they may be right.
         To send your ex a message purporting to come from the police, explaining that they are investigating a far-reaching extortion racket, and would be grateful if they would pop into the nearest police station as soon as possible.
         If you’ve never smoked, to give it a whirl.
         When people ask you why you’re watching junk television, to tell them that you’re doing your revision for a pub quiz.
         To take up bee-keeping. To keep just one to begin with, to see how you get on.
         To revive the art of whistling, but not under any circumstances with “Some Enchanted Evening”.
         To suffer fools gladly.
         To give peace a chance.
         To keep your powder clean.
         Not to fire till you see the whites of their eyes.
         Etc etc etc (Full list on request)

The Independent Mon Dec 11 06


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© Caroline Kington
© Caroline Kington