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Letters to a Doctor

The British talk more about the weather than anyone else. But…
How Much Do YOU Know About The Weather?
Pit your wits against the great Punch Outdoor Quiz! (Indoors if wet)

1. The weather forecast says that the day will be cloudy with a few scattered showers, but also sunny periods. Does this mean:-
i. You take your umbrella but forget your coat?
ii. You take your umbrella and coat but forget the shopping list?
iii. You pick out the pair of shoes with no holes in even though they don’t match your coat?
iv.  Your sister in the north phones in the evening and says: ‘Really? We’ve had a lovely day’?

2. The weather forecast says that it will feel colder today. Does this mean:-
i. It will be the same temperature but damper?
ii. It will be warmer but windier?
iii. The weather forecast was wrong yesterday?
iv. You always think its colder if the forecast says it is?

3. You may have noticed little circles on the BBC weather chart with numbers like 15 and 30 inside, and little arrows pointing outwards. Are these:-
i. Wind force pointers on a Continental equivalent of the Beaufort scale that we haven’t been told about yet?
ii. Code names for regional weather centres?
iii. A way of filling up an otherwise featureless map?
iv. Late football results?

4. The result of a trough of low pressure coming in over the Irish Sea is that:-
i. Winds veer towards south-westerly, bringing some showers but a few bright intervals, with a promise of a clear evening and frost in the suburbs?
ii. The wavy black lines on the chart get closer together?
iii. The weatherman talks faster and stops smiling, so as to get all the details in?
iv. You find the shopping list under the phone.

5. Are we:-
i. In for a warmer period between here and the end of the century?
ii. Due to have a stretch of severe winters?
ii. Having trouble with the central heating thermostat again?

6. When the man on the radio says “And now over to the London Weather Centre” does:-
i. He change his voice and go on reading?
ii. The producer in the London Weather Centre nod madly at today’s expert?
iii. A character actor from the BBC Repertory Company steps to the mike?
iv. The average listener switch off and do the shopping list?

7. When the forecaster yet again promises rain for England and sunshine for Scotland, is this:-
i. Part of the Government’s regional policy?
ii. Because the warm ocean streams round the north of Britain have turned up at last?
iii. A sign that the next item will be about cancelled race meetings?
iv. A cue for schizophrenia in the border counties and pandemonium in Carlisle?

8. A Cumulo-Nimbus :-
i. A bit like cobble-stones, but more fluffy and feathery?
ii. Known in the West-Country as “Kippers wi’ Horse tsild?"
iii. A sign that rain will develop in the next hour unless the mosquitoes keep off?
iv. A new pop group?

9. If you see horses in a field all facing north and lying down, does this mean:-
i. Rain?
ii. Scattered periods?
ii. A rudimentary form of equine Islam?
iv. Tired horses?

10. Your newspaper prints a satellite photograph of Europe and says that “the incoming cloud formations are clearly visible over Britain”. After some hours study you can finally make out:-
i. The Wash, except what’s that land out in the North Sea?
ii. W.C. Field’s face?
iii. 3 Down in the nearby crossword?

11. The summary chart always gives details for Northern Ireland but not Eire because:
i. It’s always raining in Eire?
ii. The information is classified ?
iii. The priest prayers for sunshine could work, you never know?
iv. Who cares?

12 The quickest way of converting Centigrade into Fahrenheit is:-
i. Multiplying by 2, adding 30, adding a further 1 for every 10 Fahrenheit and subtracting 1/40 from the total?
ii. Memorising the equivalent for each measurement, so that for instance 6 Centigrade becomes “mild enough for a mac” and 20 degrees is “Another Sizzler”?
iii. Going outside to feel the air?

Each answer score about 5 points, though in some areas this may be as much as 7 or even as little as 3. If you scored between 70 and 90, well done! You are obviously warm-blooded and need only take a cardigan with you. 55-70 is average; you should be all right provided you have a coat and umbrella. 36 – 55 – oh dear! You’re going to grumble about the weather whatever happens. You might just as well stay at home and blame it on the long range weather forecast.

PUNCH February  21 1973

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