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THE COLUMNIST
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THE SAVE-GREAT-BRITAIN APPEAL FUND

Will You Let This Wonderful Old Country Decay and Crumble? It can be saved.

THE PROBLEMS

*infested by unions
*north and west sides in poor condition
*unable to pay its way
*open to rain, damp, cold and scattered showers
*present owners inexperienced to cope
*£5,000,000,000,000 needed at once
This is an age when the old and the beautiful come under attack every day. Now, more than ever, it is urgent to preserve what we have not yet lost. Many fine and handsome old countries have been destroyed and are no more – Serbia, Styria, Bohemia, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Latvia and the Ukraine. Now Great Britain, one of the oldest and finest, faces the very real danger of decay or demolition.


LIVING HISTORY

Not one of the biggest or most imposing of countries, Great Britain nevertheless has a unique charm all of its own. Standing near the main route from Scandinavia to France, but hidden from it by a large moat, Great Britain has been home for generations of the Windsor family (previously known as the Hanover, Stuart, Tudor and Plantagenet family). The buildings themselves go back to Saxon times, though there are numerous Industrial Revolution and modern additions, such as the world-famous slums of Glasgow and the amusing folly called Centrepoint. The grounds, which are some 800 miles long, are unique; unlike the grounds of nearby France or Germany, they are completely unplanned and retain a fresh lack of pattern. If one is lucky, one may spot a herd of disgruntled farmers grousing under the trees.


TODAY

But in these hard times it is becoming increasingly difficult for the Windsor family, and their staff of some 56 million, to keep the place as it should be. Crippled by European taxes, increasingly indebted to Arab creditors, the occupants of Great Britain are no longer in a position to carry out even the basic repair work that the place needs. In twenty years time it may be too late to save what an earlier writer has described as “a sceptred isle”. The millions of visitors who come every year to pay their £326 air fare to shuffle around the hallowed precincts of this old country are not enough to subsidise even its running costs. This winter the lights are low and the heating turned off in a desperate effort to save that little more.

Help must come now.

“A mighty rescue operation is needed to save this wonderful and romantic spot”- Herman Khan
“Unless something is done now, the whole place will fall to the ground at 11.35 on July 14 1981”- Hudson Institute
“I cannot stress too strongly the need to preserve this very ancient and very convenient stopping-off place” – Henry Kissinger
“I have given generously. Will you too, please? – The Shah of Iran


THE SOLUTIONS

*inject massive reinforced capital now
*replace old-style laissez faire (crumbling badly) with central support
*remove remaining coal deposits
*modernise the Great Hall of Westminster (badly out of date)
* restock grounds with foodstock
*pay the staff a living wage


These are just the things that must be done now. They alone will cost a zillion pounds a day. But if Great Britain is to be saved in the future for the world to enjoy, we must look ahead. We must, for example, eradicate the unions which even now are gnawing at its foundations. In moderation, they are friendly little creatures quite welcome in the house, but in quantity they can become rapacious and highly dangerous. We must restore the gold to the old country, at present at an all-time low. We must replace the antiquated and inefficient machinery serving Great Britain’s demands – even now Lord Stokes, ancestral head of the estate’s transport fleet, is asking for another billion pounds an hour simply to stop it rusting while out of use. But above all we must stop Great Britain simply falling down and this can only be done by supporting the edifice with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money.

What can I do to help save Great Britain?

Easy. Join the Save-Great-Britain Fund in one of the following capacities.
Full Life Member Send a trillion pounds now and become a permanent life member, entitling you to a badge saying “I’ve Visited Great Britain”, a photograph of one of the Windsor family and a daily newsletter reporting the dangers to the place in what is called the Daily Telegraph.
Honorary Life Member For a billion pounds, you can receive a knighthood and free parking space in many parts of Great Britain. Your money will be used to shore-up the underdeveloped north-east wing.
Annual Member If you send a million pounds every year, you will receive a vellum, gold-illuminated, hand-written receipt.
Associate Member For a mere hundred thousand pounds, you can have a play staged in one of Great Britain’s many famous theatres, for about four days.
Temporary Associate Member This entitles you to advance booking facilities for some of the many famous products home-grown on Great Britain’s own estates, such as bread, sugar, beef, coal, and cheap pound notes (There may be delays of up to nine months in delivery)
Temporary Associate Twenty-Four Hour Membership Necessary, unfortunately, to see our daring adult programme of films such as “Too Hot To Handle” and “A Very Serious Grown-Up Film About Sex for Education Purposes Nudge Nudge”


Send your money now to Save-Britain-Fund
PO Box 41a Cayman Islands
Or simply bring round (no cheques please, just cash) to Miles Kington c/o Punch

Punch Dec 18/25 1974

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